Living with Transgender Health

No one knew. No one knew for a long time that I wasn’t the little girl they saw. I even tried to hide things from myself, telling my self that things would be better if… Or that I’d be happy with my life once blah blah blah happened.

I knew that something was wrong but I had no exposure. I didn’t know WHAT was wrong. Once when I was 5, I saw my cousin (I’ll call him S here) naked in the bath. I asked my uncle why I didn’t have a penis like S. My uncle thought it was a stupid question and laughed at me saying only that girls didn’t have one.

I found myself very upset. I wanted to be like S, we acted just the same, dressed the same. I wanted to look the same. That night when I was brought home I stole my mom’s sewing scissors and cut off all my hair. My parents were mortified. It wasn’t until the fourth grade that I understood what was wrong with me.

I met Her. The most beautiful, funny girl ever. (I’ll call her MC for this story) MC and I met on the way home from school. She was sure that we were instant friends; I felt so awkward around her. My other friends, two boys from my grade, said she was cute. I fought with them because I didn’t want them to ask her out. I liked her.

I started spending all my time with her. It was a simple little thing that made me realize that I was FTM. Just a small comment that MC made one day, but I remember it so well. She wanted to play with dolls and I wanted to go out-side. We argued and she said, “You’re so stupid! Just like a boy!” and she went home. It was so silly. Such a simple thing but I understood now. I was not a girl.

A few years later during a huge fight between the two of us I told her the truth about everything. About how I was afraid I had the illness that was killing my mother. About getting raped by my aunt. About being in love with her. And that I was not the girl she thought she’d been friends with.

I had never felt more stupid or afraid in my life. I had said so much that I had never told anyone and now it was up to her. If she had told her mom, her mom would have told my parents. They would have freaked. I’d lose a friend. But I had laid it all out on the table.

It’s been awhile and MC is my girlfriend. We’re still together now and she is my soul support. She understood and accepted what I was. She cried for me when the doctors found I was really ill. She is at my side when I need her. And even though my parents don’t know yet that I’m Transgender. I get some peace knowing she knows.

Things can feel very over-whelming but no one should bare it alone. It’s important to find someone to talk to. They don’t even have to understand first-hand. Just someone to listen. It’s like opening the door of a cage. The bars are still there but the hope is too.