For a while when I was younger, I always loved being girly and pink. I always felt insecure with my looks around girls though, I always felt ugly.

When I reached 5th grade, my personality started to change rapidly. My teacher hardened me up, he taught us not to cry over everything and that’s exactly what I did. Around 6th grade, I was gothic but I wasn’t “girly”, it never seemed to fit, while every girl was all into dance and all. I simply was into poems and acting. Boys I liked, never liked me back. I felt there was something wrong.

Still, I started to get mistreated..and I began to think of suicide. I left that school early in May. Around June, I started to create an “older brother” named “Tyson” to defend myself against others who picked on me over the internet. Not long until I started creating more “guys” as in some personality thing. I started to drop all of them except one..

I was so used to pretending to be a guy, I actually realized that I was more comfortable with that than being my actual gender. In 7th grade, my personality changed drastically, I wasn’t feminine..at all. I started deepening my voice, I liked the fact of thinking of myself being a man. From 12 years old, I began thinking of wanting to be a man.

My friends told me I didn’t act like a female at all. I remember back in Catholic schools, I was more into chasing boys and beating them than gossiping. I hated the girl stuff, it was so annoying. Then my throat..grew, somehow it did. Day by day, I wanted to be a man even more, I grew a strong personality of my own, it became my permanent and dominant personality of a man. I realized I was a gay man trapped in a woman’s body.

8th grade, I grew impatient, I started to get depressed and cried. I hated being a female, even now I do. I didn’t want hips and a huge behind. I wanted muscles, I wanted abs and a flat chest, and a structured man’s chest. My friends and teachers noticed my “Adam’s apple” my throat started to get huge. But I don’t even know if my voice is deep. My best friend told I was starting to sound like a male. My jawline became more defined than most females.

Everytime I showered or stared in the mirror, I thought of myself as a male, even when I woke up and talked to others. I kept forgetting I was a female, whenever I remembered, it killed me. I’m not the proper gender..at all.

Now in the 9th grade [supposed to be in 10th]. Everyday [literally], I think of being a male, that soon enough, I never let people online see me as a female, I selected a full male name and I went by that. I know exactly what I wanted to look like as a male. I looked up everything on a sex change. I even though about it, I’ve been thinking of it since I was 12 years old. My friend thought I’d grow out of it, I told her for 3-4 years I’ve been thinking about it, and I know for a fact in 2 years, it won’t be any different but harder for me if I’m not my desired correct gender. I’m 15 going on 16 this month.

Whenever I saw my period, it depressed me. Whenever I saw my breasts or leaned against them, I’d get so angry or sad..I kept on forgetting I had breasts, I’m working out to define my body in a lean way to get the desired body as a male. I know how Iwant my hair cut and how deep I’d like my voice to be. I’ve talked to all of my friends about it, the only people that doesn’t know about this is my family. I told my biological younger brother that’s 13 and my half brother that’s 16 now.

I’m actually happy with the idea and my future with being a male. I understand I need some evaluation before the surgery. I’m willing to do what it takes to get there. I’m planning to get a job to pay off for this because being a female is just isn’t who I am..

I’m really not what people see me as..”female”. I get so offended when people call me a female, girl, or woman. I’m extremely comfortable with being called a male, boy or man. I know exactly what I want. I’ve matured enough mentally and emotionally to know this, I was taught to know what I want. And I don’t want anybody telling me otherwise that I am not ready. I know when I am or not ready for anything.

If it’s anything in the world I’m ready for any day, to be a male. That’s who I am on the inside and I’ll make sure that’s who I appear to be on the outside. I don’t want to dress up as a male while I’m a female. I don’t cross dress. I rather dress appropriately as a male when I am a male. Because even while cross dressing and I’m not a male yet..I’ll still be VERY uncomfortable.

I’m attracted to gay men, I’m a girlfag and I’m androgenous. Whenever I see attractive men, I react in a masculine way, I know this because all I think of is “thrusting” or something. Definitely not a female way of being turned on. I’m just waiting for the 2 years. I honestly can’t wait..I’ve been waiting for so long..

The only problem for me is..telling my homophobic father..when I wanna be a male, a gay male too. Then telling my mother. I know this could risk me losing respect or them. But I will always be their daughter, I was born a female, I may be able to change my sex but who I was born as, will always remain. I’ll love my family whether they support me or not..